DEALING WITH THE FACT YOU ARE PROBABLY GOING TO PEG IT

Ugh. Sooky, sooky post. I saw my arms and shoulder in the mirror today for the first time in awhile. I tend to avoid mirrors, due to the "looking like shit all the time" element. And I was incredibly frightened at how thin I look.

I know many people may think of this and be like, oh my God, I would love to be that thin. Someone, a friend, said it to me recently. "Oh my God, I would love to be that thin!". She meant no malice. But she didn't understand that this was through years of malnutrition and inability to absorb anything. The puking up all the time doesn't particularly help either.

It's not cool to comment on people looking ill. This happens to me all the time, because I've lived in the same area for over 10 years and know basically everyone around this place. Because I'm nice. Not because I'm sick. People used to call me fat, when I was on steroids. They certainly aren't doing this now. Now they just tell me I look ill.

I'm also concerned about the way the NHS is treating me. I know they're a marvellous institution, and they care, for effectively no money, but that doesn't explain why I currently get ignored despite having "urgent" marked on all referrals. My next appointment is September. I'll probably, at this rate, be dead by then.

I do my best to get up, do my best, interact. Able bodied people do not quite get how much easier it is for us to just curl up on the sofa, and cry, and sleep. I'm really struggling with this, mainly in my head. Isn't your head THE WORST?

I shall be back on good form shortly I'm sure. I just am currently staring the black dog in the face, along with my normal person issues, paying for taxis no one is asking to pay me back for (I can't walk), and just the loss of a career. I'm clearly just watching some shit TV.

Thanks for reading.

I SHALL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE DARK NIGHT

I just watched a YouTube clip of the Daily Show host and correspondents talking about how the show is made, and my heart is full of hope. Why can't a disabled, cranky, tired British woman come and be part of that show? I would kick arse (ass? - trying to acclimatise).

This show is my dream job. Let me rephrase. Dream Job. It combines my two passions; journalism and comedy. Dear Trevor Noah, please see this and know I would move country to a place that is run by my most hated person, has terrible healthcare, and I left many years ago never to return, for the opportunity.



I spent today in "group therapy", to which, again, I was the only person to show up. Not so groupy. I'm not allowed to talk about what goes on but another lady eventually showed. And talking to her, and her situation made me angry at the world. Never mind the fact we are all about to be blown up (one hour before the summit commences), it would appear I am doing a US Election special - ie staying up to watch this shit - because I CARE. I care that the world is going to hell in a handbasket. I care that someone makes sexist and misogynistic remarks at me in public. I care that I have to deal with my own personal physical pain, and absorb everyone else's. It's a thing with an empathic. You just take it on without meaning to. And I certainly care that a grown man in the street called me a "spaz" the other day. Jesus man. It's 2018. Get a better insult you tracksuit pant wearing ingrate.

All I'm saying is it's hard for someone in my position to catch a break. I feel like I try and try and try again, and sometimes someone throws you a bone and it still ends up in the bin. All I want is to be able to do what I know I'm good at, and talented at. Goddammit, Dulce worked in call centres. Snap, mate.

I hate playing the disabled/sick card but that is what is stopping everything, and it's not right. I'm fed up, and I don't want to take it anymore. Someone start paying me for this writing or - well, I'll probably keep doing it anyway.

I'm going to get up on stage and do comedy despite not being able to stand, get up the stairs to the gig room and being fucking shit arsed terrified. But you don't make a Jamie Oliver program without using more than 5 ingredients.*

Trevor, anytime you are ready, I am here mate. I think I would be an asset. And yes, this is begging. Sorry about that.

See you on the other side, peeps. I have a colander on my head. It's airier. And the wok is too heavy.


*gag specifically for my husband.

ALLEDGEDLY, WE NOW HITTING NEW HIGHS WITH BEING SIZIST IN OUR CLOTHING

Hello, it's me again, and I'm rather cross.

I have just seen an ITV (ITN) report alleging that plus size women are being charged more for their clothing, than, what magazines and a Hadid who doesn't eat ANYTHING (no lie -broadcast on RHOBH) tell us , is "normal sized".

This makes me so fucking mad. And it makes me mad for the opposite reason. I have severe and debilitating Crohn's disease. That's the one where you shit all the time, yeah? It ain't fun, it ain't glam, and it certainly does not make you plus sized. My intestine it situated outside my body and lives in a bag. IT'S SUPER GLAM.

Unless you meet a little friend called Prednisolone.

Pred is a steroid. Steroid introduce water retention and give you something called Moonface. If you are SM addicts, you probably saw fellow sufferer, Dynamo, recently looking a bit different. I saw that for two seconds and went, "he's really ill. That's Pred."



Don't gawp. I didn't put his picture there for that. It's basic demonstration Oddly I didn't take any pictures of myself in those periods. But I ate a hell of a lot of cheese on toast.

Don't get me wrong. Pred has probably saved my life a few times, physically. It has also destroyed my life, emotionally, many more times. I overheard a friend talking about me in the pub one day, and his words were, "jeez, she's packed it on hasn't she?". I cried for days and never wanted to go back again.

I am now too thin. I do not absorb nutrients, I spent last bank holiday in-patient in hospital, and I seriously thought One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest was a fiction. Me and my broken veins can tell you, it ain't. Have a chat with Mr Hunt. I should expect (ha!) he may be across this.

The worst thing that has happened to me in the last while is I've lost the use of ,my legs, fingers, feet. Peripheral neuropathy. Don't even bother, I can't be bothered anymore, but basically it sucks and I walk with a stick. And someone I hadn't seen in years greeted me with "you're so skinny! I wish I could be as skinny as you."

I died a little on the inside at that point, but equally I'm not mad at her at all. People don't know how to react to illness, I have to get to terms with that, because I do get really mad all the time.

Skinny people are no happier that heavier people. Do NOT THINK YOU CAN CHARGE PEOPLE MORE FOR CLOTH, WHICH WE USE TO MAKE OURSELVES FEEL A BIT NICER. FANCIER. PRETTIER. Skinny, underweight people do NOT take "you are so skinny" as a compliment. Lose the prejudice, yeah?

Also I had a full basket, New Look. It's now empty. YOU did that.

DON'T DRAG ME INTO YOUR HOT MESS

So, good old POTUS has done the expected, and listened to no one, except the two or three hirings (firing date TBC), who are blowing smoke up his arse. By doing this, he is putting the entire world at significant risk.

The speech he delivered, poorly, regarding pulling out of the Iran deal was pathetic. There was absolutely no foreign policy included, but a hell of a lot of "bads", "poor deals", and general grandstanding. You may be the POTUS, kiddo, but at the end of the day you are a shadow of what the office holds dear. You know what a lot of people appreciate in a leader? Well-rounded intelligence. Thoughtful consideration. Truthfulness. And you have the absolute bare faced cheek to talk about "cheating" on a deal. Marriage is a deal, Donny. How you getting on with that deal? Yeah. Thought so. You got off lightly on $130k. According to good old Guiliani. ("Such a fine lawyer".)



I am furious that this one megalomaniac is dragging us into a world that I thought I was lucky enough to leave behind as a child with the Iraq war. The night vision images of bombings during that period still give me nightmares. I used to stare up at the sky and wonder if that plane going overhead was going to bomb us. This is how a 12 year old thinks. What about the 12 year olds now, Trump? How do you think your teenager is going to feel about the fact you are plunging us headfirst into the unknown yet again, for your personal gain?

You really think North Korea are going to drop everything and play nice? You used to be The Apprentice guy. Even you must know better than that. But you don't, because it's all about THE IMAGE and THE ART OF THE DEAL. Which you didn't write, just as an aside. I suspect you probably didn't even read it.

So, tremendous work Donny. And before you think about getting your goons on me, I'm an American citizen so I say what the fuck I like. First Amendment, yeah? The one before you can all have guns. How you getting on with your NRA mates? Bet they're loving this rhetoric. Although, in fairness, that word is tricky to spell so, you know.

WHY MICHELLE WOLF IS DOING THE JOB SHE WAS HIRED FOR AND YOU NEED TO STFU

Michelle Wolf is a comedian. She is very successful these days, and it should be noted she has a Netflix special and is on the Daily Show as a correspondent. MY DREAM JOB TREVOR I AM AVAILABLE.

So if you don't like comedians, don't fucking hire them. For a comedy roast. You morons.

There are so many double standards going on here. May I set some out:

1. Trump grabs pussies, brags about it, potentially sleeps with Russian prostitutes during ALLEGED business deals (ALLEGEDLY), treats his wife like garbage ("I didn't get her so much" - quote), wants to bang his daughter...shall I go on? (THIS IS ALL ALLEGED - oh hang on, isn't the lawyer in jail?)

Cut to...

Sees someone making jokes - jokes people, she is a comedian - and loses his tiny fistful of McDonald's fries all over the floor. HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE THE PEOPLE THE JOKES WERE ABOUT. Allegedly.

2. Piers Morgan continually, and I hope not intentionally, but who knows, insults people on his morning show, ran a campaign to get the longest serving OAP in football out of a job because he thought it was funny, and, well, we've all seen the image Rachel Parris provided on the Mash Report. Oh yes.

Cut to...

Michelle Wolf is a bully and not funny and Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize (puke), blah blah blah, dude it's in the Daily Mail, I don't have enough life left to divert to reading that shit.

Conclusion.

This is a woman thing. These are the same people that go to comedy shows are go, "oh, female comedians aren't funny".  These are the same people that punch down for a living. And they seem to enjoy it.

I experienced a lot of this recently. I'm visibly disabled, and a woman, and let me tell you that combo     ain't great. People judge before they know anything. But I'm sick of being talked over the top of. I'm sick of my opinions not counting. This is just ridiculous now, and quite frankly I have enough to deal with without your fucking misogyny. And it is live and well, in North London, which frankly surprises me. I truly thought we were slightly more evolved now, and people - I am disappointed in you.

In summary: Michelle, you're a fucking superstar. You did what should have been done for anyone in your position: the job you were hired to do. And, ironically, I recall Hasan Minhaj basically did the same thing  last year, at the same event, and not a peep.

Telling?

WHY THE OSCARS WERE SHIT

Number one. Get Out got one award. One. It is one of the most groundbreaking and politically important films OF OUR TIME.

Okay, so yes, I have "strong feelings" for Daniel Kaluuya. Yes, I may have followed him around a film set one day, too scared to talk to him, but hoping he would catch my eye and chat. He didn't, because, you know, he's Daniel Kaluuya. Dude was filming some shit, Not worrying about the doe-eyed shrimp behind him, like a shadow, for a good fifteen minutes, until I realised this was starting to look all a bit creepy and went back to where I was meant to be sat. Oh yeah. I wasn't in the program they were filming. Totally crashed that party.



I just feel like it was, you know, back to normal. With the exception of JORDAN PEELE (I feel that really needs caps lock at this point), it was very staid. Middle aged white men got their awards. Frances did a nice speech and then some dude nicked her statue. (She got it back.) It felt like there would be something shifting this year, and instead it remains, as always, utterly predictable. And also 1700 hours long.

The one saving grace for me was the dudes out of Hollyoaks - Hollyoaks my friends - creating a beautiful film starring a profoundly deaf girl called Maisie, The writer signed the speech. That's all it takes, a bit of understated yet truly honest emotion. The kid was delighted and apparently then asked if she could go play with her siblings. Hats off, Maisie.