Ugh. Sooky, sooky post. I saw my arms and shoulder in the mirror today for the first time in awhile. I tend to avoid mirrors, due to the "looking like shit all the time" element. And I was incredibly frightened at how thin I look.
I know many people may think of this and be like, oh my God, I would love to be that thin. Someone, a friend, said it to me recently. "Oh my God, I would love to be that thin!". She meant no malice. But she didn't understand that this was through years of malnutrition and inability to absorb anything. The puking up all the time doesn't particularly help either.
It's not cool to comment on people looking ill. This happens to me all the time, because I've lived in the same area for over 10 years and know basically everyone around this place. Because I'm nice. Not because I'm sick. People used to call me fat, when I was on steroids. They certainly aren't doing this now. Now they just tell me I look ill.
I'm also concerned about the way the NHS is treating me. I know they're a marvellous institution, and they care, for effectively no money, but that doesn't explain why I currently get ignored despite having "urgent" marked on all referrals. My next appointment is September. I'll probably, at this rate, be dead by then.
I do my best to get up, do my best, interact. Able bodied people do not quite get how much easier it is for us to just curl up on the sofa, and cry, and sleep. I'm really struggling with this, mainly in my head. Isn't your head THE WORST?
I shall be back on good form shortly I'm sure. I just am currently staring the black dog in the face, along with my normal person issues, paying for taxis no one is asking to pay me back for (I can't walk), and just the loss of a career. I'm clearly just watching some shit TV.
Thanks for reading.
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