WHY MICHELLE WOLF IS DOING THE JOB SHE WAS HIRED FOR AND YOU NEED TO STFU

Michelle Wolf is a comedian. She is very successful these days, and it should be noted she has a Netflix special and is on the Daily Show as a correspondent. MY DREAM JOB TREVOR I AM AVAILABLE.

So if you don't like comedians, don't fucking hire them. For a comedy roast. You morons.

There are so many double standards going on here. May I set some out:

1. Trump grabs pussies, brags about it, potentially sleeps with Russian prostitutes during ALLEGED business deals (ALLEGEDLY), treats his wife like garbage ("I didn't get her so much" - quote), wants to bang his daughter...shall I go on? (THIS IS ALL ALLEGED - oh hang on, isn't the lawyer in jail?)

Cut to...

Sees someone making jokes - jokes people, she is a comedian - and loses his tiny fistful of McDonald's fries all over the floor. HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE THE PEOPLE THE JOKES WERE ABOUT. Allegedly.

2. Piers Morgan continually, and I hope not intentionally, but who knows, insults people on his morning show, ran a campaign to get the longest serving OAP in football out of a job because he thought it was funny, and, well, we've all seen the image Rachel Parris provided on the Mash Report. Oh yes.

Cut to...

Michelle Wolf is a bully and not funny and Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize (puke), blah blah blah, dude it's in the Daily Mail, I don't have enough life left to divert to reading that shit.

Conclusion.

This is a woman thing. These are the same people that go to comedy shows are go, "oh, female comedians aren't funny".  These are the same people that punch down for a living. And they seem to enjoy it.

I experienced a lot of this recently. I'm visibly disabled, and a woman, and let me tell you that combo     ain't great. People judge before they know anything. But I'm sick of being talked over the top of. I'm sick of my opinions not counting. This is just ridiculous now, and quite frankly I have enough to deal with without your fucking misogyny. And it is live and well, in North London, which frankly surprises me. I truly thought we were slightly more evolved now, and people - I am disappointed in you.

In summary: Michelle, you're a fucking superstar. You did what should have been done for anyone in your position: the job you were hired to do. And, ironically, I recall Hasan Minhaj basically did the same thing  last year, at the same event, and not a peep.

Telling?

WHY THE OSCARS WERE SHIT

Number one. Get Out got one award. One. It is one of the most groundbreaking and politically important films OF OUR TIME.

Okay, so yes, I have "strong feelings" for Daniel Kaluuya. Yes, I may have followed him around a film set one day, too scared to talk to him, but hoping he would catch my eye and chat. He didn't, because, you know, he's Daniel Kaluuya. Dude was filming some shit, Not worrying about the doe-eyed shrimp behind him, like a shadow, for a good fifteen minutes, until I realised this was starting to look all a bit creepy and went back to where I was meant to be sat. Oh yeah. I wasn't in the program they were filming. Totally crashed that party.



I just feel like it was, you know, back to normal. With the exception of JORDAN PEELE (I feel that really needs caps lock at this point), it was very staid. Middle aged white men got their awards. Frances did a nice speech and then some dude nicked her statue. (She got it back.) It felt like there would be something shifting this year, and instead it remains, as always, utterly predictable. And also 1700 hours long.

The one saving grace for me was the dudes out of Hollyoaks - Hollyoaks my friends - creating a beautiful film starring a profoundly deaf girl called Maisie, The writer signed the speech. That's all it takes, a bit of understated yet truly honest emotion. The kid was delighted and apparently then asked if she could go play with her siblings. Hats off, Maisie.

Hello lovely people. I'm back.

Well this has been some time. I had to stop this blog, due to a potential conflict of interest, but that conflict nor that interest exists any more. It will take me a lot longer to write anything, as my fingers don't work that great but bear with the typos should there be any.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON.

I'm not even talking about Trump. I mainly talk about Trump but it's kinda done now? We all know what we think, and what we want to happen. I know for a fact I didn't want to sit up until 6am watching the election highly roused on cider and intermittently crying. One of my mates at that time did shift work, so he popped into the flat at 5am. By that stage, I was beyond speech and chucked a packed of Haribo in his general direction.

It was less amusing four hours later when the washing machine men came in to replace it as Trump was doing his "I'm President" speech. Not exactly sober, I was screaming at these kids, who are just  here to do a job, "Have you seen this shit? Do you know what is happening to the world?". They never spoke a word to me and got out as quick as possible. Don't blame them, I was ready for a major philosophical conversation. Til I went to sleep ten minutes after.

Anyway, this is a first outing back into my old friend, this blog, and a bunch of shit has GOWN DOWN. Yes, that's how I wanted to spell it. I'm tired and a lot is going on, and I will actually have a theme next time. But I just want to say to any single solitary person that may stumble upon this; you are not alone. You just have to see the wood for the massive fucking trees sometimes.

I'm watching one of my musical heroes on Vintage TV do an interview, so that's a gratifying mess, realising your stuff is now on Vintage. (I'M NOT OLD!). I'll leave you with this. It's appropriate in this day and age, as Vintage as it may seem. Do yourself a favour and watch the film clip.

Peace out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl49P8Qxqlc

Sacre bleu!

"WHAT," the nation bellowed last night, "IS THIS ON MY TELLYBOX? THERE ARE WORDS ON THE SCREEN!"

And so Channel 4 finally give Great Britain some credit and screen excellent French drama The Returned in prime time positioning, 9pm on a Sunday. None of this shove-it-onto-BBC4-and-hope-for-The-Killing-Mark-2 timidity. No siree - conversely, not only has a major commercial network taken the risk at their audience aren't too spangled from their weekend's frivolities to reach for the spectacles, they've hijacked an ad break and shown all commercials in French. Mais non? Mais oui, indeed.

It seems odd that anything subtitled generally lives in the relegation zone of Saturday night on a freeview channel. The success of The Killing, which pulled in some of the highest ratings BBC4 had ever seen, should have really given the telly execs a bit of food for thought, but no - other European successes which followed still cropped up in the slot that BBC4 schedulers must have named "Saturday night foreign intelli-cop procedural time".

However, did the risk pay off? 1.5 million  tuned into The Returned last night - it might sound like a lot, but percentage wise it had 7% audience share, whereas Poirot took home nearly 22% with 4.8 million. And anyone who watched it will be able to say that it's not going to be a program you can jump into halfway through. I watched the entire hour-and-a-quarter opener last night, in silence, only to turn around at the end and say, "well, I haven't got a fucking clue what's going on, but I'm enjoying it". Is that kind of heavy, delineated drama going to attract audiences on a Sunday night; traditionally the enclave of the easy-on-the-rain brain mush, such as Call The Midwife, or, indeed, Poirot? Do people want to be deciphering why loads of dead French people are reappearing in a small town and scaring the living crap out of them the night before they have to go back to work and present the annual figures to Gary From Accounts?

It's definitely going to be an interesting experiment for Channel 4. I for one hope it is a success, as there are all too many excellent pieces of television being made around the world that this country is missing out on, because of the belief that "people don't want subtitles". Well, as one of "the people", I'm fine with it, so please, bring it on.

NB: If anyone has a clue about what the hell is actually going on in The Returned, I'd greatly appreciate any tips.

20 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self

1. This is the worst your hair will ever look. Take some small comfort in the fact that it can now only get better.
2. That is still absolutely no excuse to cut your own hair, because you saw how to do layers on an episode of Ricki Lake.
3. Although you love Britpop, perhaps dressing like one of the Gallagher brothers for three entire years was not the best decision, sartorially speaking.
4. The show This Life is not a documentary.
5. It is also not a reason to deliberate doing a law degree.
6. The Truth Is Not Out There, so you may wish to remove that poster of the UFO from your bedroom wall.
7. Chasing the drummer from that band you love down Bourke St to ask him if he really is that drummer from that band you love is not very dignified, and is also a traffic hazard.
8. Don’t ever go on a date to McDonald’s with that boy you met at the school social doing the Macarena. It will result in being on the receiving end of some truly horrifying poetry.
9. Bargaining with other students to get the absence slips out of their school diary is advisable and should begin as close to the beginning of the school year as possible, as you will have forged your parents signature on your whole allotment by the middle of the first term.
10. Crawling on your hands and knees past the door of the class you’re supposed to be in order to sack off school early and bother the staff in HMV is a valid career choice.
11. Wearing a copy of Geri Halliwell’s Union Jack dress to the final year formal dance may be a decision that, in the future, you look back on slightly less favourably.
12. Wearing trainers with said dress, however, was and still is a great idea.
13. Despite what your teachers say, you can actually annoy your way into a job just by hanging around the shop long enough. You will go on to do this successfully twice, and are trying for a hat-trick.
14. Keeping all your videos of music filmclips that you carefully recorded, labelled and filed was probably one big waste of time as VHS is now an outdated format.
15. Keeping all the videos of the X Files that you carefully recorded, labelled and filed was definitely just one big waste of time as now you want to die of embarrassment when you even think about it.
16. Everyone telling you that school is the “best time of your life” WAS wrong. It was fucking horrific – you knew it then, and you still agree now.
17. University is not a whole lot better. In fact, in many ways, it’s worse.
18. That person who made your life a living hell for 12 years will have the balls to apologise for their behaviour three years after leaving school.
19. You’re still going to be pissed that they introduced you to everyone on the first day of high school as “stupid, fat, ugly Courtney Allardyce” though.
20. You have to forgive yourself for the dead goldfish. How were you to know they couldn’t survive in 38 degree heat?