Deadly Bird Flu: The Gosling Strain

"But I read driving gloves were due a comeback..."

Right, so I was meant to write a piece about Jon Stewart and 10 O’Clock Live, but I can’t. I can’t concentrate on such piffling things when I have much bigger things to worry about. Such as the fact I only discovered Ryan Gosling existed about two weeks ago.

Watching the movie Drive has ruined my life. I have turned into a Gosling addict. I play the soundtrack constantly. I wonder if I look enough like Carey Mulligan to be an alternative to her if I’m ever stuck in a lift looking moonily at my fellow traveller. I wonder what it’s like to be that toothpick. It’s turning my brain into a pile of goose droppings. GOSLING DROPPINGS.

And the really disturbing thing about this realisation is it’s not just me. I’ve done a straw poll of all the women I work with, and at the mere mention of the broody pashmagnet, eyes misted over, legs went wibbly and coherent speech from normally intelligent, strong women turned into a competition to shout how much they would rub their face against his (considerably toned) abdominal area. It’s like that movie Outbreak. But with less ebola monkeys and more lovesick swoon-brawds.

Here are The Things That Have Contributed to the Gosling Factor.

1. He plays quiet, damaged, romantic characters. I think we have all managed to completely move beyond the fourth wall now and assign these qualities to the bloke himself. Who knows if he’s just an amazing actor? What do you mean these are “roles”? What do you mean that’s not his real jacket? All these things are now irrelevant. We only see him as the characters in Drive, Blue Valentine, et al, where he loves that girl so much he embarks on a (delete as applicable) - violent/self destructive, crime spree/drinking spree, whilst fitting in a bit of kicking in crims faces/kicking in his wife’s boss’s face  -  ALL FOR THE LOVE OF A GOOD WOMAN.

2. He also plays cocky and arrogant very well. See Crazy Stupid Love. WHAT a movie. WHAT Vintage Gosling. But the Gosling factor in that film that really kicks is his womaniser's redemption – he realises that his gigolo-ing ways, whilst entertaining for him (and us) are leaving him empty. Then he meets “the one” (somewhat miscast in this film as an actress who is NOT ME) and changes his misogynistic ways: ALL FOR THE LOVE OF A GOOD WOMAN.

3. He rarely speaks about his relationships in public; the mention of anything to do with his personal life sees him verbally sprinting towards the door. This is why he doesn’t do US TV talk shows, or much press at all for that matter. The only TV appearance he’s really done recently was an episode of Ellen, where he bought the entire audience of the show onesies, then proceeding to complete the interview, onesied up,  riding an exercise bike (no, me neither). I posted this clip on Facebook yesterday and by the end of the day it had gone viral throughout my female friends. But I did find this one quote, about his previous relationship with Rachel McAdams, which I think is basically the only time he’s ever said much about his ladyfriends:

“I mean, God bless “The Notebook”, it introduced me to one of the great loves of my life. But, people do Rachel and me a disservice by assuming we were anything like the people in that movie. Rachel and my love story is a hell of a lot more romantic than that.”

There is nothing any of us can say at this point, mainly because any female within a fifty mile radius of someone hearing that has just fallen to the ground, twitching, not unlike that Radiohead filmclip. All the real Gosling wants is the love of a good woman, too. The sheer scale of this is too much for any of us to take.

The major problem with this sort of worldwide, complete fixation on the fact that the Gosling Is Everyone’s Number One is the Pied Piper effect. If this bloke turns out to actually be working for the Republican Party, or selling additive-ridden snacks guaranteeing obesity and type 2 diabetes in 4 easy steps to disabled children, there’s a reasonable chance that the women of the world – the sensible, emotionally grounded, brains of this whole operation – will turn a blind eye in case he lets us chew his toothpick. I mean, let’s face it, we all collectively sighed watching him snog the face off Carey Mulligan in the lift before stamping the jaw out of a bad guy’s face. With this kind of blinkered viewing, he could be drowning a puppy in one hand, and whilst using the other hand to cock his finger suggestively in a “come hither, my wench” manner and 80% of us wouldn’t see the puppy.

As a friend of mine said yesterday whilst discussing the Gosling appeal issue, “with great power comes great responsibility” so don’t let me down boyo – you keep making the good movies and supporting Darfur and we’re sweet. But you start showing any signs of affiliation with the Tea Party, and I’m sounding the klaxon on you; you delicious man-fox, you.

NB. If Mr Gosling would like to discuss this piece personally with me, I am available to fly out to the States at his convenience.